How can I support my jobless partner?

My partner was made redundant three months ago. He has recently become very withdrawn and depressed, despite working hard to get another job. How can I help keep his spirits up during his job search?

Losing your job is so much more than losing an income. It’s even more than losing a daily routine, the buzz of dealing with work colleagues and the feeling of achievement from doing a good job. Managers and professionals often define themselves in terms of what they do for work, so when they lose their job, it can feel like losing their sense of self and their value in society. This may well be what’s happening to your partner.

The good news is that you’re the person best-placed to notice what is happening and to give or arrange help. Here are some hints:

Listen, support, but don’t fix

It is human nature to want to fix what’s wrong. Try to avoid this instinct unless your partner is actively asking for help, and trust that he is doing what needs to be done in terms of job hunting. Too readily dispensing advice can have the effect of belittling a person. Let the fact that you are not jumping in with suggestions prove that you have faith in his ability to get his next job.

Instead, become a sounding board for ideas, a sick bucket for hurt feelings and an interested ear to give updates to. The worst feeling for a job hunter is that they are working hard but nobody is really interested. You can head off a confidence slide simply by celebrating the good news and empathising with the bad. By becoming your partner’s trusted confidante, you will keep channels of communication open. Pushing too hard with unsolicited advice may cause him to shut down.

Keep positive

Try very hard not to criticise, even if the criticism is not related to job hunting. Being jobless increases a person’s sensitivity and it can magnify the impact of any criticism so even small points can get blown out of all proportion. You need your partner to know you respect him as much without a job as you did when he was working.

Use your own network of friends and family to discuss through your own minor issues and worries so you keep them out of the house, and keep the mood at home as positive as possible. Reassure your partner that you are coping, and you’ll square with him if there’s anything really bothering you. Then keep that promise, because keeping secrets kills trust.

Respect his job hunting efforts

Give your partner head-space for job hunting and thinking. It’s enormously difficult to write applications and make business calls when someone has the vacuum cleaner or the radio on. Agree on job hunting time (mornings are best) and non-job hunting time.

It is not possible to job hunt every hour of the day. Not only are there not enough jobs to apply for or relevant connections to make to fill the time, but working in this way very quickly leads to diminishing returns.

Instead, encourage your partner to turn off his inner judge. All too often I see clients who have been telling themselves for weeks that they have no ‘right’ to participate in fun activities and good times if they’re not bringing in a wage. They feel that they should be job hunting 24/7, and not doing so is somehow shirking their responsibility.

Tell your partner it’s OK to stop when he’s done a reasonable amount every day. If he’s job hunting for more than 6 hours a day, point out that he is almost certainly being tougher on himself than he would be on a friend or family member in the same situation.

Have some fun

Hand-in-hand with knowing when to stop goes knowing how to make the most of relaxation time. Perhaps the biggest benefit of having some time away from work is the opportunity to put time into personal and family relationships and friendships.

Become your partner’s partner in crime in having a good time despite your situation. Take each other on a date, rediscover a hobby or visit friends. It is especially important at this time for you to stay connected both to each other and your social circle, and to let your friends and family support you, just as you would (as you know) support them.

Don’t leave it too long to get help

If your partner is not eating regularly, sleeping well or looking after his physical appearance, he may be sliding into depression. Read more about this in our section on psychological effects (below) and don’t leave it too long before consulting your GP.

July 10th, 2010 | Posted in between jobs, job hunting, support, unemployment, work-life-balance | No Comments

It’s past the close date on my application and I haven’t heard anything. Should I chase?

I’ve applied for a job I really would like, but there’s been no word from them and the interview date was scheduled for tomorrow. Should I assume I haven’t got it, or do you think it’s possible there’s been some slippage? Should I chase up, or will that seem rude?

Many applicants worry that, if they chase up applications they will seem pushy or rude. But the truth is, anything can be happening behind the scenes, and your call could be the difference between being the chosen candidate and not.

So long as you are polite and enquiring and sound cheery and positive, you’ll simply seem keen. And keen is good.

Friendly persistence often pays off

Consider these examples:

One client chased up a teaching job back in February this year when the date for interview was fast approaching. Her spur was that the job was located 260 miles from her home, so she needed to know whether to make travel arrangements. She called, emphasised that she was very keen on the role, and asked if they could tell her whether she had been selected for interview, please?

The response from the other end was from a rather frazzled school office manager, who told her that Ofsted had arrived without notice that week to carry out a full school inspection. This opened the door for my client to empathise; to ask how it had gone and to create a rapport with the office manager. She went on to learn that she had, indeed, been selected for the rescheduled interviews. On arriving at the school, she was able to ask for the office manager by name and introduce herself, thus increasing the rapport on interview day. She got the job.

Another client called about a job he really wanted with a major electronics company he had interviewed with some weeks before. On calling, he discovered that the company had just discovered that their chosen candidate had lied on her CV. They had discontinued her application, and they were back to square one. He called just as they were deliberating what to do. He told them he was keen, emphasised that he understood the challenge and could meet it, and said if they offered him the job he could start the next Monday. They hired him.

Expect the unexpected

So, chasing up can work very well. Simply sound positive, bright and keen when you call. And expect anything.

Be prepared for a possible 'no' by reading this section on asking for feedback.

July 2nd, 2010 | Posted in application, feedback, stand out | No Comments

That ‘tell me about yourself’ question

In my experience, one of the questions that unsettles interview candidates most is: ‘tell me about yourself’. I have no idea why this makes interviewees so uncomfortable: the way I look at it, this is an absolute gift of a question.

This question comes up frequently, so why do so many people feel caught out by it? Possibly because the British way of doing things means not boasting and not talking about oneself. That’s something that has to change if you’re going to do well in interview. So, here are some tips on how to prepare for and deal with this dreaded question.

How to view this question

Imagine all your ‘best’ bits – your skills, your experience, your particular talents and personality strengths – are contained in chapters in a book about you. You don’t have to use them all, but they are all potential ingredients for your answer. Which three or four chapters are you going to tell this particular employer about?

Re-story yourself

Interviews are great excuses to prepare a ’story of me’. We all have that thing we can do when we first meet new people socially where we give a potted version of ourselves during the process of getting to know each other. This is just the same thing, but for business.

If you’re trying to re-story yourself – for instance, if you want to change career direction or get back to something you really wanted to be doing – this is a really great question to get. You can choose where to begin your story, where to end, what to include and leave out, and what context or backdrop to set up.

Even if you’ve always been in this field of work, you can reorganise your experience and skills to best fit the role you’re being interviewed for. That doesn’t mean telling any untruths, just choosing to emphasise differently, bringing out the qualities you want the employer to focus on. You can do the same with your CV (resume).

For more on re-storying yourself, check out Herminia Ibarra’s very excellent book on the subject (see link below).

Don’t ramble on

On the flip side of the coin, just because you now have a whole story ready to tell doesn’t mean your interviewer hasn’t got other questions they want to ask! Keep your ’story’ to three or four main points. When you’ve worked out what you want to say, rehearse it until it sounds completely natural. Try to pitch it somewhere between two and three minutes.

Then work out what questions you might get based on what you’ve said.

I’d much rather have this question any day than most other questions, as it puts you right in control of the interview!

March 15th, 2010 | Posted in answers, career change, experience, interview, skills | No Comments

Pick up your cards on the way out…

When you leave a job, don’t forget to collect your cards. No, not those cards, I mean your now-redundant business cards.

One of the most inspirational sites I’ve come across recently is Cards of Change, where laid-off employees are encouraged to deface their old business cards with messages letting the recipients know what they’re doing now. Many of the messages are so inspirational you wonder what they were doing in those unsatisfying, energy-sapping, thankless jobs in the first place.

If you still have some cards left after defacing them try turning them over and writing on the backs. You can use the blank sides of business cards for a variety of career-planning activities. For instance, they can help you assess your life priorities.

Using a marker pen, write one life priority on the back of each card and lay them all out on a desk or table. If you’re like most of my clients, you’ll typically have about 40 – including cards for family, career, dreams, ambitions, qualifications, health, relationship, home, holidays, spirituality… I’ve even seen a designer wedding dress, a hotter sex life and a pink VW Beetle convertible among clients’ priorities.

Next, arrange your cards in ranking order. Be strict: don’t allow yourself any equals, don’t-knows or groupings. The strength of this exercise is in the fact you have to make difficult decisions. Reflecting on how you are reaching those decisions is a critical part of the process.

Think about what is important to you and why. What or who is influencing your ranking? Are you still holding on to priorities you formed a long time ago? Many people find they haven’t truly questioned their priorities since school, or since graduation, or since they married, or since they joined their employer. This exercise offers an opportunity to reassess.

Once you’ve got an initial prioritisation, leave it for a day or two and then revisit it. If you have the luxury of privacy, leave the cards out on the table and re-read them as you pass them during the day. Add to, or move the cards around as you think of different things. You’ll be surprised at how your priorities change over the course of a few days, simply because you’re giving yourself permission to question your existing patterns of thinking. You may also be amazed when you realise what you’ve duplicated or left out. The whole process can be a revelation.

You can use this same technique to identify where you’re spending your time, in order to help you sort out work-life balance. You can even use it to brainstorm and prioritise your experience, skills and abilities (extending the process to identify potential groupings and linkages) to help you work out new career options.

February 13th, 2010 | Posted in between jobs, career change, career changer, career goal, objective, priorities, work-life-balance | No Comments

Should my employment history be on the front page of my CV?

My recruitment consultant says the only thing employers are interested in is my work experience, and this should always be on the front page of my CV (resume). Is he right?

I see lots of CVs or resumes from people who are so terrified by this kind of advice that they tuck the chronological list of their employment right under their name and contact details, like a bib tucked under their chin! But this isn’t usually the best way to show off your talents to an employer.

Make it easy to choose you

If you’ve ever had the job of sifting CVs you’ll know that the CVs that get attention are the ones that convey their key facts quickly and easily.

Employers are only interested in gauging quickly what a candidate could bring to their company. Unless the candidate has really big names to drop, employers are less interested in where they used to work. (And if you do have big names to drop, there are ways of doing this to get more attention.)

Show off the real you

I advise candidates to think first and foremost about the reader when preparing their CV. The reader is looking for skills, and they are looking for team-fit. So, give them exactly that. Take time to say who you are and what role you are looking for in your personal or career goal. Let your key skills list sit comfortably spaced and well-signposted under that. These sections are the ‘real you’ – what you can bring to the table. They should be tailored to the job vacancy or employer challenge at hand by bringing out your most relevant skills and experience.

Your employment history then evidences and illustrates how you’ve gained and used your experience, skills and qualities.

Don’t make this mistake!

I did original research some years ago into how people read documentation, and we included CVs in that research. It showed that the skim reader flicks through only the top half of the first page before turning over the page. So, if you start your employment history half way down the first page, it’s likely the reader will miss your last job or two and start reading two or three jobs back.

For this reason, I always advise candidates to start their employment history on the top of the second page.

February 2nd, 2010 | Posted in CV, application, capability, experience, stand out | No Comments
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